Right now, it’s walking weather. That type of weather where it’s not too hot, and just the right amount of cool. Weather where you can walk for hours at a brisk pace, breathing in the fresh fall air and only have tiny beads of sweat form along the brow line. This past weekend I was on one of these longs walks, clearing my mind. The autumn smell of fallen leaves, the sound of city streets and children at play intermingled with soft conversations on street corners took me back to childhood memories.
As a kid, fall was the time of year I would play on the streets late into the evening. I would play so hard running until I felt like my legs would fall off, doing gymnastics all over the lawn, playing soccer and biking down all the streets my mom said it was safe to bike – over, and over, and over again. It’s possible my neighbors might have thought I had plans to break into their homes, seeing me make the rounds on my ten speed, looking like I was casing the joint. I would play until it hurt so good in every fiber of my muscles. My cheeks would ache from smiling and my lungs would be ready to burst from breathing so fast and so hard. I would eat big spaghetti dinners, at least three helpings, watch Home Improvement and go to bed fully exhausted. I would drop off into sleep knowing who I was; a strong and brave young girl who could eat the most spaghetti in all the land. I had discovered who I was while at play.
I miss her. That young girl who knows and trusts herself.
What makes this inner child grow shy and cower in the corner of the mind?
And then I remembered the nay-sayers – those negative nancies that popped into my life as I grew up, telling me “no!” or “slow down!” or “you can’t do that!”. A teacher, an adult, even a friend or family member.
I decided to take my memories into my own hands.
I went back to those moments in my young life when someone told me to be quiet, don’t smile, no playing, settle down!! I tried to recall each time someone said I couldn’t or shouldn’t do something, even though I loved it, even though it brought me to life. I then placed myself in those memories as the full grown woman I am today (which would be pretty intimidating, considering I’m no longer 5 foot nothing, but 6 feet tall). I would walk up to the person who said those hateful words, look them straight in the eye and with all due respect, tell them to politely “F*ck Off”.
I highly recommend this mental exercise. It’s extremely cathartic and very freeing.
The way I see it, every time we go for a walk, a run, play a game, or lay out a yoga mat to practice, it’s a reclamation of that inner child who just wants to play until it hurts so good. It’s our chance to get in touch with that little person who was curious, courageous and filled with wonder. The child we were before the world started to weigh on our shoulders with “no’s” or “should not’s” is still inside of us. We just need those moments of play in our adult life to let loose and be free.
So go back in time, tell the negative voices of the past to take a hike, and then run into the present moment until your legs and lungs hurt so good.
