I posted an Instagram story last week sharing some of the best life advice I’d ever received. It was heart warming to see people resonate and respond to that tiny piece of wisdom. I’d like to share the story behind those words.
I was 19 years old, attending the University of Kansas and visiting the home of one of my college buddies. Her step dad was a brilliant, kind and very generous heart surgeon. Both he and his lovely wife welcomed me into their home as if I were one of their daughters. Whenever we visited, they spoiled us to no end. I would walk into the spare room to find curated care packages presented in a gift basket with things like socks, shampoo, underwear (no joke) granola bars, fancy soaps and a twenty dollar bill slipped inside a coffee mug. It was next level generosity.
One evening, they took us out for dinner. We were mid semester, with full class schedules and 20 hours of rowing practice a week. Feeling overwhelmed, we melted into our restaurant chairs. Sensing our exhaustion, he softly spoke these words,
“So much of University and life is just showing up. Get yourself out the door, make it to class, make it to practice and the rest usually takes care of itself.”
It was exactly what I needed to hear. There was something immediately freeing about this advice. It wasn’t about perfection, excellence or conquering anything. It was simply the act of arriving . Despite your mood, despite the obstacles that stand in your way. Just show up.
As University and life continued, his words consistently rang true;
Stadium runs at 6:00 am – Just show up. By the time I’d arrived, I was awake, the presence of my fellow teammates would inevitably inspire and uplift me.
Astronomy class – Just show up. This class was conceptually the most challenging and informative class I’d ever taken. I focused so intensely, showing up for every class, even though half the time I had no friggin’ clue what was happening. Discovering dark matter? That was mind-blowing. So glad I showed up for that lesson.
Weight lifting circuit days – Just show up. The collective energy of every teammate busting their butt to beat their personal best would ignite a fire in me I still feel to this day.
My Grandmother’s hospital bedside – Just show up. I held her hand and sang her favorite song while attempting to accept the fact this would be the last time I’d ever get to see her, be with her, hear her voice. I let it hurt like hell and then carried the memory of her smile as I left the room with me in my heart.
I continue to love the realistic nature of this advice. We can’t always be at the top of our game. So much of life is about consistency and commitment, even on the shitty days.
I have a visceral and wary reaction to phrases like “Wake up and be awesome!” “Be the Best” “Be Amazing!” This violent optimism and intense attitude I find quite ridiculous.
Staying in a state of perpetual excitement and fictional perfection is exhausting. Not to mention completely unrealistic. It would be like driving a hundred miles an hour all day everyday. You’re going to run out of gas faster and cause a lot more wear and tear on the engine.
When someone is always peppy and what I would describe as ‘aggressively happy’, or ‘always on’ I immediately wonder;
“What are they compensating for?”
Are they trying to cover up sadness? Do they feel an overdeveloped sense of responsibility to carry the emotional burden of those around them? Do they think they are supposed to make others happy by maintaining a facade of happiness? Are they afraid of their own sadness?
I could be wrong, but you can usually sense if someone is carrying more than their fair share by the tension they carry in their body. The way they move through space is flighty and apologetic, eyes darting with muscles clenched. Their words are usually filled with vocal fry and a constant search for affirmation. I just want to hug them, and tell them it’s going be okay.
It’s sometimes the people who exude strained happiness and positivity that are struggling the most. Be it with depression, uncertainty or anxiety. Trying to counteract it with constant, coerced happiness won’t fix it.
You have to deal with the dark emotions. Not fear them. Everyone experiences them, and they are not evil. It is not shameful to struggle. It is not shameful to try and hide the struggle. There is no shame. There is only human struggle.
The advice I’d offer for dealing with the arduous process of understanding our dark side? Just show up. Take it slowly. Take it one day at a time, and trust that with consistency, self acceptance and the willingness to ask for help you will be okay.
I hope these three words help you as much as they have, and continue, to help me.
