Capable is an interesting word. It can go in a few directions. Audibly it holds the words “cape” and “able”. To me, the image of a superhero comes to mind. I see them putting on a cape, soaring off into the day with strength and determination. However, this word can be flipped around to mean something different. Yoga tends to redefine what capable really means.
Yoga is tricky. If you choose to treat it as a practice of awareness, the end result is not always what you expect.
I try to encourage myself and others to use the practice as a way to “check in”. It becomes a way to start a conversation with body and breath. I ask questions like “how are you today body?” “what’s happening in there breath?” They always have an answer. Sometimes it’s not what I want to hear.
On days when I feel strong, my capability is bolstered by energy and ego. I can float through postures with ease and joy. I put on that cape and fly my way through the flow right into a sweet and deep sivasana.
Sometimes there are shitty days. When it feels like my bones are lead and my breath is labored. Each movement is a concerted and irritable effort. That same cape becomes a blanket under which I must rest, curled up practicing the ability to receive peace. Tucked up in the fetal position, I take notice of what brought me to this point of brokenness.
If you’ve been practicing for a while, you might be able to relate to this next scenario.
You walk into the studio feeling good, ready to go. Your favourite teacher greets you with a smile. You set up your mat, itching to move. Suddenly, half way through the practice something unwanted and uncomfortable rises up.
“What is this shit?? I was feeling so great a few seconds ago. What is this connected to? Why do I suddenly feel exhausted and angry? “
Neglected, negative feelings harbored in the body and mind left unacknowledged rise to the surface. By the end of the practice you’re a big, blubbery ball of emotion lying on the ground like a human puddle of sadness in sivasana. Cue hot tears streaming down the cheeks. The failed attempt to hide the fact you are crying like a toddler. (Side Note – this is a normal and common reaction. Never apologize for these weepy sivasana days.)
This does not mean you have lost capability. Far from it.
This is the moment where your capability to cope, to feel the pain of these uncomfortable emotions takes center stage. These are the emotional chores that we often brush over or push aside. Unfortunately, that crap piles up until it spills over into our day to day tasks, making it hard to move in our own lives as we try and elbow past garbage bags of heavy emotions.
Don’t be afraid of these moments. Trust that you are strong enough to take out the trash of past issues. Believe that you are worth the extra house work it takes to clear out your mind and soul. It’s messy, gross and unpleasant but necessary.
Allow the practice of yoga to reveal your human capability to deal with life. Do this, and I promise you, you will surprise yourself with just how capable you truly are.
