My computer has a message for me. It is telling me “An operation is taking longer than expected. Do you want to abort it?”
Pretty strong words for a computer. Especially when it’s talking about downloading some pictures. But it’s got me thinking. This impatient computer has me thinking about life.
So many things take longer than we anticipate. Healing after illness, losing weight, getting over a loss, grieving, waiting in line at the grocery store. It all takes so much more time, energy and effort than we’re ready to admit or even give.
I wish I could say I am patient. I wish I could say I have the wear-with-all to stay the course. But in actuality, I throw my hands up in frustration. I resort to bad habits. I blame others for my problems and call that progress.
But what I can say is this;
“I’m working on it”
The beautiful catastrophe of life is taking longer than I anticipated. It is taking more energy, devotion and determination than I ever dreamed. But I’m working on it.
My yoga practice helps me to see the realistic timeline of change. It happens slowly, incrementally. It inches forward.
Some days there is incredible progress, I feel like I’m soaring.
Other days I can’t even imagine looking at my mat, let alone getting on it. The regression is palpable. The lethargy sits in my bones.
I’ve come to realize this could mean the practice is asking me to stand still. It may be asking me to take stock of my current or even past situations so I have a chance to know myself better.
There is a lot of talk about the practice moving forward. I think it is important to mention sometimes it moves backwards. Sometimes it stands still. Sometimes it feels amazing. And sometimes it hurts like hell.
We are obsessed with forward being the only direction of progress. That is far too linear and really not the truth.
What if we are brought back to a point in our practice we thought we had mastered because we need to learn that lesson again? Too many inspirational quotes these days coin this really annoying phrase,
“Don’t look back – keep moving forward – the only way to go is up” or something to that naive effect.
I know I’m not the only one who thinks this is utterly ridiculous. If this trite bit of glibness is right then answer me this;
How the heck are we supposed to learn from the past, right our mistakes, if we don’t look back??
It has also been said… if we don’t take the time to learn history – we are doomed to repeat it.
Even the resting pose of yoga – downward dog – has you looking back. It has you looking back at the legs, the feet and where they are rooted to the ground.
So please know you are not alone if you feel stalled out. Please don’t give up if you feel trapped. Sometimes life slows us down because we need to take a look at where we came from, in order to understand where we are going.
In order to truly move forward, in order to truly progress, we must first stand still and have the guts to look back at past mistakes. Not to berate ourselves, but to come to understand ourselves on a deeper, more compassionate and patient level.
This might mean the journey will take longer than we anticipated, but it doesn’t mean we should abort it all together. You’re not my impatient computer. You’re a person – and patience is built into your hardware.
So use it.
