Yesterday was such a good day.
It was probably one of the best days I’ve had in a long time. I was up like an espresso shot at 5:00 am. I lit tea candles, did yoga, a bit of weight lifting, meditating and journal writing. I had a full day of great classes and private clients. Everything flowed so perfectly. I kept bumping into wonderful people at just the right time. I was experiencing serendipitous moments and loads of laughter. Exciting decisions were made, and new career options were embarked upon.
Don’t worry. I’m not attempting to turn this blog into a humble brag. The shitty days still sneak their way in there. But ironically, for me, the crap is sometimes easier to take than the good stuff.
Wait, what??
It’s a tiring predisposition I have to anticipate bad things. Plan for the worst but reluctantly hope for the best. I latch onto negative feelings and experiences because they are familiar, safe and manageable. I call it “addiction to sadness”– when we get attached to the negative because the positive is almost more scary. I can’t control joy. It’s like rocket fuel for the soul and it sends me shooting sky high.
The only problem is, even while I’m soaring through the air, I’m afraid of the fall and the inevitable descent.
Sometimes, when joyful days happen I question them. I don’t trust them or I’m skeptical that they come with strings attached. Sometimes they feel so good I try to hold onto the joy with a death grip. Neither of these approaches work. The first approach leaves me feeling like a doubtful asshole. The second just makes the joy slip through my fingers even faster.
When I’m balancing in the physical yoga practice and it feels really good, like I could float there forever, I can sense how that moment is a perfect marriage of strength and softness. Yogis can tell you – muscling your way into balance postures doesn’t work. Yes, you do need strength, but you also need to soften into it so you can breathe and feel the muscles working. The more you try to hold onto the balance in desperation, that sweet spot where everything flows together, the more you anticipate it or try and control it, the faster it leaves you and the faster you fall.
I call it the “hover zone” where everything falls into place, and all you have to do is show up and be in it. You’ve already done the work it took to get to this place, now it’s time to soak up the joy it brings.
The “hover zone” was really accessible yesterday. I could feel its groove as I moved through my daily tasks. Joy and serenity were weaving their way in and around me. Now it appears my work lies in receiving the joy the “hover zone” brings. The tricky thing is – I need to fully believe I am worthy of joy. I believe it with my head, now I just need to get my heart on board.
So I will seek out the hover zone by practicing strengthening and softening. And when the hover zone arrives, I will float in it and practice receiving the joy it brings.
