There are many ways we can discover our personal patterns. Yoga happens to be one of them. Any type of practice asking us to examine ourselves regularly will show us, whether we like it or not, our habits and patterns of behavior.
It is so helpful. Notice, I did not say super fun or enjoyable. It is helpful.
Half of what makes the practice of yoga and self awareness so necessary is the “check in”. The chance to ask, “How the heck am I feeling today?” or “Why the heck do I feel this way?”
Here’s a scenario. Maybe this happens to you:
I can’t feel my face! Life is moving so fast! Too many moments of momentum and numbness. I need to claw my way back inside myself.
Oh crap. I’d rather not be in here. It’s a bit of a hot mess in this brain…. This is awkward. Where do I go?
Go to the breath. Ride it to the more peaceful places. I need time to process life. What the f*ck just happened? No matter — Get on the mat.
Several weeks of more consistent practice and self regulation:
Okay. I feel much better. Definitely grounded and solid. When crazy or annoying things happen, I’m much less dramatic about it. High fiving myself. Nailing it!
You know what? Now that things have calmed down, I should do more shit! Get out there, mix things up. Good idea, self. Let’s do it!!
Several weeks of doing more shit:
Oh my God, I am so tired. Somebody make life stop. But I don’t want to stop. I’m on a roll. I have a real sense of pride and accomplishment these days. I can sacrifice downtime to maintain this momentum, right??
Two days later, after the pride takes over:
F*ck. I am so tired. I want to fall on the floor and take up permanent residence in the fetal position. But I can’t stop. Rent in Toronto for the square footage of the fetal position costs a buhjillion dollars.
After the fall:
Oh God. I did it again. I’m at the place of brokenness and its of my own making. Humbled by my habits. I hate this part. I need to reach out, ask for help. But first….I think I’ll self flagellate. Yeah. That makes sense. I’ll berate myself for my mistakes.
Stop!! Wait!
You promised yourself you wouldn’t do that again. You promised yourself you would be kind!
Listen Polly-Anna, I’m kind of pissed at myself and don’t really feel like giving any slack so….here goes! Self sabotage of the highest order. Self-righteous self-hurt. It may not be efficient, but by golly it’s familiar and safe.
After the fall and the self beratement:
I can’t feel my face, life is moving so fast. What the hell just happened? ….. And thus the cycle begins again.
Each of us has our own pattern. The above example is mine. Suffice it to say, this cycle has lessened each time. I get a little better at not falling into old habits. As I get older and incrementally wiser I’m able to see this process for what it is — of my own making. Yoga lessens the intensity of this pattern by teaching and allowing self observation.
I’d like to share two rather grace filled quotes. I find them both exceedingly helpful in moments of uncomfortable self discovery;
“Yoga is the practice of tolerating the consequences or being yourself” — Bhagavad GIta
I love this quote. Besides the apparent prerequisite that a yoga teacher love pithy and dynamic quotes from ancient texts and share them on social media — this quote is the real deal. It is very humbling and very accurate. We each of us have great and awful things that comprise who we are. Yoga helps me wade through the mire of myself. It simultaneously keeps my feet planted when my head starts to inflate and float off into clear, pride filled skies.
Here is a more comical, recent quote spotted on a friend’s Facebook wall. I’ve found it terribly refreshing:
“I never make the same mistakes twice. I make them four or five times just to be sure” — unknown
…. or a dozen times in my case. Better safe than sorry. I applaud myself on being thorough.
In contrast, who ever said, “I never make the same mistake twice” was already at fault when they used the word “never” — When someone speaks in absolutes, they deserve to be questioned.
The thing I’ve found the most challenging? Not beating myself up for making the same mistakes. Instead, learning to offer grace, understanding and patience toward myself when I’m being a bit of a handful.
Also, understanding habits exist for a reason. We tend to do things for reasons we feel are deeply legitimate. Habits may be in place to protect ourselves from past hurts, to push aside strong emotions we just don’t know how to deal with yet. Does this make us evil? Does this make us lazy? No. It makes us human; fallible, vulnerable and just trying to figure it out by taking one step forward, and occasionally ten steps back. That is the reality of learning to live with the consequences of being bumbling, awkward yet lovable humans.
Maybe this happens to you. If it does, you are not alone. Remember we are all slogging through, trying to understand ourselves one habit at a time.
So be kind to yourself. You’re allowed to muck it up. When you do, your yoga mat will be there waiting for you to start the process over again.
I will leave you with one final quote to remember when you do fall down (and you will. It’s inevitable and a part of the dance)
“If you fall, I will catch you” — Yoga Mat
